Just Venting.

it`s been a long ass weekend for me. i lost my mind, had a nervous breakdown and an anxiety attack. phone got water damaged and everybody knows that insurance does NOT cover water damage. grrrr. needless to say, thursday through monday was probably the worst 5 days of my short life. bad things happen in 3s right? well shit happened to me in 4s, 5s, 6s, etc.

and to top it all off, multiple exes that i haven't heard from in years, have been randomly popping up and wanting to rekindle what once was. uhm, i'ma believer in the fact you always gotta go back to your past to have a better look into your future but i'm not gonna let you back into my presence for you to ruin it again like you did my past. wtf i look like? to accept you back, any of you pitiful exes, it wouldn't be a smart move on my part and it would be detrimental to your health and well-being because i'm likely to go crazy and spill battery acid on your bare skin. >=) lmao. but in all seriousness, if you were an ex, or someone from the past, i'm not gonna give you a 2nd chance. it's no longer in my character to be so forgiving and understanding. if i actually choose to converse with you, but i'm short and attitudinal with my answers, take it as a hint and move along. cuz i surely have.

+FlyyGirlTiff.

A Public Letter Of Apology.

to a certain handful of men:
if i ever told you i cared about you, this is for you. not everything may apply to you, but when you read it, you will find an apology that will make you think of yourself and specific shit i did.

i apologize for never asking questions that didn't need to be asked. [where you going, who you with, who else you fucking?] i apologize for bringing you food when you were starving. i apologize for waking up in the dead of night to answer my phone when you called. i apologize for coming to see you and spending the night with you after something traumatizing happened, when nobody else would. i apologize for giving you the last of my money to make sure you had something in your pockets when you didn't have a job. i apologize for saying "i love you" when i meant it. i apologize for missing you when you were gone. i apologize for being one of the few women you could trust and confide in. i apologize for neglecting and overlooking the flaws you had. i apologize for thinking you were perfect because you made mistakes. i apologize for supporting every move you made, even if it was against my better judgement. i apologize for the endless hours of lovemaking that made you fall asleep in my arms. i apologize for being the ONLY girl you trusted in your home alone. i apologize for being your first love. i apologize for meeting your parents and being so courteous that they still ask about me. i apologize for letting you use my phone for a week when yours was out of commission. i apologize for getting you your only christmas gift in 2005. i apologize for being the only one to tell you happy birthday one year. i apologize for waking up at 8am to make breakfast for you and your 2 friends before taking bart back home. i apologize for having the faith in you that you wouldn't cheat on me. [again]. i apologize for thinking you were human and would always make mistakes, but still loved you in spite of it. i apologize for staying up late hours for consecutive days, talking to you about everything that was bothering you. i apologize for not being upset with you after you lost my ipod. i apologize for knowing that i'm not perfect and admitting to every time i made a mistake. i apologize for being the last person standing by your side every time after the dust settled.

yes that is alot to apologize for but let's get one thing straight. i do apologize for it all but i am NOT, i repeat, i am NOT,
SORRY! and you will never hear me say that. simply because i am not a sorry person. yes, i've made mistakes that i can own up to but none of those mistakes classify me as "sorry". for those specific few that i'm addressing this letter of apology towards? as a person, i was disappointed by you that you took me for granted. but as a woman, a mature woman for the tender age of 19, i understand absolutely why each of you have done what you did. although you are outstandingly different, you are all remarkably the same. while your style, speech, friends and dreams may differ, you are all still young men chasing after what young men chase after. money and women. yes women. plural. none of you are ready to be tied down to any one woman. which is completely understandable. but me? and other young women like myself, won't always be in the shadows waiting for you to be ready. to wrap this up, i'm basically apologizing for being everything you obviously WEREN'T ready for.

+FlyyGirlTiff.

Rumors.

i been hearing alot of rumors floating around lately. mostly about ME but it's funny. the people spreading rumors are people i used to be close to. people i used to be with alot. never confided in them much cuz i have trust issues but they were around. whas even funnier is that the rumors they're spreading about me, are truths about them! don't try to make me a scapegoat to take shame off yourself. i don't give a fuck what people say or think but don't spread no false shit. i ain't hardly tryna hear it. do you really want me to say some incriminting shit? like the girl who said i was fucking on my stepdad and was pregnant by him. you must not want nobody to know how scandalous you are for doing that. your momma gon have a fit when that baby pop out lookin like her husband. shit how stupid does that look on you?! for doing that and for saying it was me?! bitch i ain't even got no stepdad! or the bitch that got fucked by a corona bottle in a room full of niggas, videotaped and all the shit but said it was me. uhhh i saw that tape and i seen your face. strangely enough, it looked like you was enjoying that shit. if thas the case, i got some niggas for you lil mama.

i can go on and on but this blog would be entirely too long. i'ma just end it with this: don't be the first to throw rocks when you live in a glass house. cuz i got enough ammunition to shatter them ALL.

+FlyyGirlTiff.

Love's Deceit.

i've been bamboozled by love's deceit/the feeling of vacancy has never cut so deep/my soul is so broken, you made me so weak/my mind is frazzled, my feelings scattered/nothing else in my world right now seems to matter/3 words you said you could have never meant/more than just a surface wound, it has more depth/deeper than you can imagine, than you can possibly know/it`s more painful to feel because it doesn`t show/no wounds to see, no bruises from blows/such an unexpected turn of events/i suppose/it's to keep me alert, keep me on my toes/but it`s made me reclusive, my heart is closed/could you understand the damage you've caused, the energy you stole/impossible to believe that you still have me in a hold/ing onto what i can only dream of occurring between you and i/how amazing after all that you've done to me, i'm still at your side/faithfully, loyally, a true ride or die/but you will never know because this love story we tell is nothing but lies.

+FlyyGirlTiff.
p.s. feel free to comment. feedback is necessary on this one. thanks.

Pre-Teen Parents!

i couldn't believe this article when i read it. a 13 year old boy and 15 year old girl have a newborn baby girl in Britain. what is the world coming to? the link is below. read the article for yourself.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2233878.ece

+FlyyGirlTiff.

Ain't Shit Niggas, Ain't Shit Bitches.

arrite. i been hearin alot of girls say that niggas ain't shit and niggas sayin the same thing about females. well here's my philosophy on that statement and others like it.

the people that say someone else "ain't shit" don't got shit going for themselves. ain't it funny how ALLLLL the people they fuck wit "ain't shit"? ever think yo ass wasn't shit either? maybe thas why you keep attracting someone that "ain't shit".

or when someone says "that nigga ain't shit" or "that bitch weak as fuck" is cuz they didn't do something you expected. the shit ain't in they character to break their back for you. they're strong minded and used to doing things of their own accord. y'all 2 different people that ain't got no business being together. lol.

OR it's someone that is stuck in some awful ass pattern of fucking wit the same type of person. like when a nigga ONLY talks to boppin ass hoodrats and wonders why he burnin EVERY time he fuck wit a new bitch. or when a female STAYS talkin to niggas that disrespect her on multiple levels and wonders why EVERY nigga she talk to calls her a bitch. you would think they'd break out them patterns and do better than what they did before.

sike! the human subconscious subjects certain people to put up with shit they shouldn't because of the THOUGHT of love. the THOUGHT of being in love is as appealing to them as ACTUALLY being in love. [tricky little bastard that love is.]

so before you let the words "you ain't shit" slip from your mouth, betta take a second to think about why you saying it.

+FlyyGirlTiff.

Questions about MY first love.

man. so remember the blog i wrote about my first love moving on? alot of people have been asking me if we've spoken recently. yes we have, but the conversation was short. there's not alot to say to each other anymore. but there's a few questions people keep asking me so i'll answer em all here. the first ["have you spoke to him?"] question i already answered. here's the other FAQs.

-"do you still love him?"
of course i do. when it's a first love, that shit never goes away easily. we aren't supposed to be together and that's something i'm living with.

-"if you love him still, why won't you tell him?"
i have. he knows. he's in love with someone else so how i feel about him isn't as important as how she feels about him. which is the way it should be. i truly hope she makes him happy cuz he deserves the best, someone that'll always be there for him. when he needs her most and when he thinks he doesn't need her at all.

-"why are you acting so strong about it when it must kill you to see him happy with someone else?"
i'm not acting. i am strong. our love didn't sustain. just a lesson of life that i learned from. and no it doesn't kill me to see him happy with someone else. he's happy. thas all that matters to me. he's happy, i'm happy. even if it's not with me.

-"do you think y'all could ever work back out?"
i don't think along those lines. it's something i consider in my past and thas where i DON'T live. i live for now, for today, for tomorrow. it's always possible to be back with someone from your past but it's not something to dwell on. so i don't.

now! i feel i answered every question asked. and please stop updating me on his actions and the latest person he's talking to. if he really wanted me to know, he'd tell me himself. or i'd ask. he doesn't and i don't so that means we have 2 lives that don't cross paths anymore. so stop tryna force them to cross.

+FlyyGirlTiff.

Sex. I Need It!

yo so i tried the relationship thing. didn't work out. celibacy thing. REALLY didn't work out. lol. yes, some women run around boppin and it's not a good look and sex USED to be about expressing love. over generations, it's changed intensely. some women used sex as a form of liberation. some men used sex as a form of domination. shit, can't it be an even trade? can i just get my nut off and go about my day? people look down on casual sex but not EVERYBODY is willing to settle for less so they can have a "REAL" relationship. sometimes it's best not to have no strings attached. it's always good to know you got that ONE person that you can call late at night when you in the mood to take some shit down and KNOW they gon give it to you right. ayyyyyyeeeeee!!!! =D shit you can say whatchu want, think whatchu want but it's real. why settle for less than you deserve to be in some dead end relationship just so you can have a title when you can have the same thing with someone but without the emotional drama, the constant bickering, etc.? don't get me wrong, a relationship is cool to be in if thas what you lookin for. i just ain't lookin for that right now. i don't have the patience to deal with another person's emotions right now. i'll stick to my cuddy buddy, thank you. =) speaking of......private dancer, expect a 3am aim. ;-) lmao.

+FlyyGirlTiff.

Crazy Ass Night.

first off, to hell wit preppy sensation. they dj is wack and their crowds are racket. i ain't fuckin wit none of their parties ever again. i went with csb, my brother chanel, 2 other girls and met up wit a whole bunch of my friends there. dusty ass niggas was smellin like wet dog and racket ass bitches was hollin some bullshit. then somebody got shot. like really? afterwards, dude that was wit my friend got profiled. they said the shooter had dreads. ok uhm dude had braids. but they had him against the wall for hella long. like how long does it take to determine the difference between dreads and braids? me and the girls i went with stayed with my other friend and his patnas for awhile cuz they taped off where the boy got shot at but his car was within the tape's boundaries. but since it was raining, we couldn't stay long. we left them at like 2.30 and my friend didn't get back to richmond til 4.30! all in all, it was fuckin crazy. i'm in need of sleep. but i've already slept 9 hours. catch me later. lol.

+FlyyGirlTiff.
p.s. shouts to the magician rancey so nasty of LNS. ask him what his specialty is. ;-)

Friday The 13th

first off, lemme say happy valentine's day. =) so friday the 13th. freaky friday. smh. the first thing i wake up to is an aim from my ex. i made a mistake in our relationship but we still kept it cool ya know? always talked, kept in touch, updated each other with our days. but everybody know the situation with my moms so y'all know i ain`t really been talking to nobody. well he took it personal and took it upon himself to hit me on my aim saying that he can see that i did what i did to release myself of feelings for him,.that he ain't never gon bother me again and let me live my life. i never once told this boy anything of the sort but i wouldn't have no issue telling him so. but i don't feel that way. i enjoy his conversation. but by him throwing that pity party on himself made me mad. i'm not finna feel bad for you cuz you feel bad for yourself. it definitely sucks that you feel the way you do, but thas not my problem cuz it ain't my job to satisfy you anymore. we broke up back in august so you saying that i've changed and that the love isn't same? uhhhhh....duh! we've been broken up for how long?! of course the love ain't gon be the same! but you definitely ain't helping yourself and your situation by tryna make me feel bad.

anyways, i spent the day with my csb. took the twins, diamond and pearl, to take pictures. they're so cute! hella bad tho. diamond smacked the shit outta me twice and pearl was scratchin the hell outta csb. lol. but they finally calmed down after some fries from mickey d's. [my kinda kids. lmao] after that, we went to work the door for my sis rokkie's momma party. i seen 2 OG's hittin the electric slide. i swear they had all the dance moves back then. lmao. but some old folks dance hella funny. they'll be grinding and shit but 4 feet from each other. lmao. and 2 OG's was on csb somethin tough. one of em had a squirrel on his head. lol. [go biiiittttttcccchhhh!!!!] they had hella free food. you know i was on it. lol. but i seen alot of older couples and shit and it made me like damn. i couldn't do it. lookin like they been together 40 years and got a shitload of kids and grandkids. smh. not meeeeee. i'm too happy being single. lol. i must say, it was a good ass friday. =)

+FlyyGirlTiff.

International Day Of Love.

valentine's day is literally around the corner. i swear everybody say it's for couples and people in love. cupid is the unofficial mascot for valentine's day and represents love, right? well how many of you knew that he is really the god of lust and intercourse? [yes he is a god in greek/roman mythology, not just a fat baby with wings, a diaper and a bow and arrow] yes he also is considered to be a god of love but he is more widely known for lust and intercourse. so to REALLY celebrate this holiday right, don't you think you should be with your side dish instead of your main course? that nigga thas dickin you down right? that bitch that suck yo dick just how you like it? sorry to be so vulgar and graphic but it's the honest truth. i mean nowadays, people in relationships spend more time with someone who isn't their main. shit if you don't have any respect for your relationship, why should i? everybody gon do what they wanna do any damn ways. ladies, after you leave your boyfriend house, you going to get dicked down by someone else. dudes, after you drop off "wifey", you know you finna go pick up that chick on the side so you can bend her over and smack em sideways in some park.

shit. handle ya business. i ain't hating at all. do whatchu gotta do to get yo nut off. but don't deceive yourself or that person you claim to "love" by spending an overly commercialized holiday when your mind is on whas gon happen after they leave your presence.

leave the relationships alone until you REALLY ready for one. if you wanna just fuck, then just fuck. make sure it`s clear amongst the both of you tho so nobody will catch feelings cuz thas when shit get messy. [everybody's had that happen before so don't act like you don't know what i'm talkin about]. whatever it is you decide to do tho, make sure you don't get caught up.

+FlyyGirlTiff.

*p.s. please refrain from using the term wifey or husby. marriage is a sacred sanction. it's not meant to be thrown around in the teenage generation where relationships barely make it past the 3 month mark. it's meant for 2 people truly in love that can live out their lives with one another. can you see yourself with the person you with now in 50 years? didn't think so.

Moving On And Moving Forward

2 conversations that made me smile and think today. the first being my first love. he has strayed away and moved on. =) y'all prolly like why she so happy tho right? well the way i see it, the love we experienced was definitely deep. something neither on of us has ever came across before. and it was something we were not ready for so we didn't work as hard as we should have to keep it stronger. but we learned alot from each other. however, we just weren't meant to be. by him moving on, it shows me that i can also move on. when i'm ready that is. i couldn't be more happy for him.

the second being with my friend skip. he asked me where's my superman. i had to hesitate cuz i didn't know entirely how to answer that question. just because there's a few really good men willing to save me. [i'm still tryna figure out what they wanna save me from. lol] but my interest is in NONE! so i answered it that way. "i have no superman". after i said it tho, i was kinda sad. like damn. i'd like to be in a relationship. no lie. but i'm not in one for a reason. i don't want the people that want me. i have higher expectations that they just don't meet. there was almost one. but he eff'd up royally. no need to ask cuz he know who he is. no hard feelings tho breh. i still fucks wit you. =)

but love will come as it may. it'll come when both myself and the other person is ready. until then, did you know i was lusting after you?? =X lmao.

+FlyyGirlTiff.

Chris Brown's Allegations

so everyone's been asking me how i feel about one of r&b's most wonderful performers being accused and arrested due to allegations of domestic violence. honestly, i couldn't care less. don't get me wrong, if he put his hands on that woman, the respect i have for him as a man will be lost. but despite his fame, his wealth, and his good looks [cuz the man is badd. lol], he is still just an ordinary person that has extraordinary talents. he showed a sign of weakness that all humans have but if the allegations are true, he showed them in a way that is harmful to everyone, including himself. it has already tainted his image to fans everywhere and can damage his reputation. nobody would look at him the same way again. young women's dreams of marrying him are now dashed. [lmao. but those many, MANY "chris brown's wifey" crack me the hell up]. the man is human and made a human mistake. hopefully, he doesn't make the same mistake again. besides, i hardly believe he did it. the kidd is a mama's boy. and we all know the deal about mama's boys and how they treat their women.

+FlyyGirlTiff.

What A Thursday!

so moms is back in the hospital. she has major health issues but she been hanging on. she a soldier. everytime she comes home, she'll go to work the next day. as much as we fight, i'm amazed at how strong she is. motherhood. it's amazing.

now today has been real interesting. me and tat was talking about the big difference between chicago and SF, how liberal SF is. it made me think about how i woulda turned out if i woulda grew up elsewhere. would my mindframe be different? who knows? just glad i grew up in liberal ass SanFrancisco. did y'all know gumby was liberal too? lmao.

the opposite sex. man. lemme correct myself. men! alot of interesting convos. the men i talked to today.

-jeremiah did something not many men would do. he stuck to his word. he turned my phone back on for me. [thanks!] i was amazed when my phone went off and my "heartless" ringtone came on. like wow. he really stuck to his word. i was at a loss for words.

-drew. haha. he got me as his icon on the aim thang. made me feel good inside. but he`s evidently getting a bunch of hate aims because of it. crazy how nosy people really are huh?

-my pretty guy friend, kevin. dude, you are too cool. lmao. and you definitely above a 7. "we only fuck wit 8.5`s!" lmao.

-had another dry ass conversation with my ex-crush. at least we spoke tho right? =/ you can have a lucrative career as a one-hit wonder. lmao! but this conversation we had made me realize i still do have a crush on the guy. told you my feelings were inconsistent. =(

-rob hit me today. first time in idk how long. wasn't talkin' bout much with him either. it was a nice conversation tho. kinda missed my high school crush. lol.

-jp and i spoke. =/ man. there's not many words i have about that conversation. it was just.........settling. =)

i mean, shit was more interesting than that but i can't put too much out there without getting myself in trouble. =X lol. yea but the weekend is coming up. check back cuz i usually ALWAYS have interesting weekends.

+FlyyGirlTiff.

Breathe A Sigh Of Relief.

so for those that read my last blog, seen i was stresssin a bit over some niggas. and i talked with one of my male friends, jeron, just to get a different perspective because you know all the girls will say the same thing. lol. so me and jeron [shouts to my drinkin patna!] talkin and he helped me realize i have no reason to trip out. like at all, whatsoever. so thanks homeboy! lol.

now as for the crush? yea that shit is out the window. no need to stress or spend any extra time thinkin on someone that isn't thinkin of me right? so i guess you can say my mind is at ease. but shit, as a woman, my emotions are inconsistent and never agree with what my mind has to say. so let's see how i feel in about a week.

oh and shouts to my other drinkin patna, tatiana in chicago [but SanFrancisco raised]. she finna be a model cuz. lol

+FlyyGirlTiff.

Untitled.

up late at night, tears fall from my eyes

there is nobody to comfort me, i'm left to my demise

where these tears come from, i can't tell no lies

it was when you walked away and took from me, my prize

the smile on my face is such a disguise

a mask i put on, to hide the agony inside

a part of me died, which i continue to hide

but i could never tell you for i have too much pride

how to tell the person that was your heart that you felt your love was denied. =/

+FlyyGirlTiff.

Music. How I Love It So.

everyone claims to have a love for music. how much do you truly love it tho? most people i know say that but only stick to one genre. i can listen to any and everything. my song of choice right now happens to be "young folks" by peter, bjorn and john, [shouts to jay ant for sampling that!]. if you truly have a love for music, open your ears and listen to whatever comes across you. you may surprise yourself with what you'll like. =)

+FlyyGirlTiff